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LA vs. LA
(Note: this is not about the Wahl book.)
Bruce Arena's put together what looks like a dream team—to anyone who's just woken up from a seven year coma. Of course with half of CD-CUSA's (ICUSA's?) roster on a first name basis with every doctor, nurse and paramedic in LA, someone who's just woken up from a seven year coma might be able to find his way onto Chivas's roster. Well, okay, if he'd woken up in 2004 and happened to be Mexican. But they're over that now.
If the Galaxy's recreated Cocoon as some sort of 11-man performance art everybody hates (someone had to, with Yoko Ono happy down in Dallas), then Chivas has recreated... What's that movie where everyone winds up in the hospital at the end? Oh yeah! La Ronde. You'd think Zach Thornton and Jim Curtin would be big enough between the two of them to just stand in front of the goal—like Bornstein with the Nats—and keep the ball from going in—like Bornstein with the N
Oh yeah.
Look for Chivas to play a physical game and pray for rain—it's the devil to arthritis.
Players to watch
Sacha Kljestan:
I watched the Confederations Cup in a Shekou-area massage parlor. At least I got 90 minutes out of the girl. With Jesse Marsch lost to injury, God will be looking to Klejstan to thug it up a bit—well, a bit more—to play Dema to LA's Kovalenko (Why won't Dema leave Katie alone? Is it cuz Micah called him a punk bitch?) and shut down a far more experienced (than Andy Rooney!) Galaxy attack. He's also our best bet to make sure the only rossonerro Beckham joins is Gooch—just ask Andy Williams, who'll also (most likely) be playing for a new club come January. Oh, and don't tell Gooch I called him a rossonerro. He sues for shit like that.
Unwelcome FraudDavid Beckham:
You thought I was gonna say Landon Donovan? We're not worried about him. If Beckham looks like he cares about more than his hair, LA might go all the way. Maybe he can shake hands with a front-row plant in an England jersey, and he can score a goal from the center circle. That "wonder goal" was awesome! You know, when LA played KC....
Coaches
Red Bull New York's former coach, formerly accused of pro-NAMBLA activism by Red Bull New York's foremost fan, versus... God? As we all tell ourselves after watching those post-Super Bowl victory speeches that make Warren Jeffs's take on who God is and what He wants sound both cogent and credible, God doesn't really give a shit whether or not a professional sports team wins a championship. He has better things to do. If Preki wins this it's over Arena's dead—well, we all know the etymology of the word "arena", but "his red right hand" ain't too far away from "his red left foot." Edge: LA
Seattle vs. Houston
You know those pretentious twats who go to Starbucks just so everyone can see that they own a laptop? That and people calling third wave punk "grunge" are Seattle's fault. Also, they made the NBA look "Mickey Mouse" when the Sonics got moved. It's so very, very tempting to—against all better judgement—root for Houston in this one, but we all know they're gonna get raped. Hell, Seattle's got a guy named Fuckitoh on their team. Raped.
With Rico Clark out to slap every one like a bitch—regardless of whether or not they're named David Beckham—we're likely to see at least one red card... for Brian Ching. No, it doesn't make sense. You wanna call the ref out and get the fine?
Players to watch
Stuart Holden:
We here at FOUL eagerly anticipate the day when Stuart is the undisputed king of American soccer (it was a Stuart king whose head they cut off, right?). Holden has to keep Houston's midfield (including Rico Clark) playing smart, score on Keller, and turn his impression of normal-universe-Chakotay into an impression of alternate-universe-Chakotay (comb it down). All just another day in the life of the footballer Scottish soccer fans are too mature to call "Judas," or whatever the local equivalent of Benedict Arnold is. I'm going with "Mo." Glasgow, yo.
Freddie Ljungberg:
The Sid to Nate Jaqua's Nancy, this former call-up to the Swedish National Handball team might have more of a playoff impact than any player since, oh, Eskandarian in 2004. Ljunberg gets the nod over Kasey Keller and Eddie Vedder, as the former's never been photographed in his underwear and the latter's never been photographed in his underwear sober. Or drunk, or whatever. Furthermore, like his DP counterpart in LA, but unlike most of his teammates, said photos were intended to help sell overpriced underwear, rather then to help improve King County prosecutors' conviction rates. More a ball-holder than a wrist-pinner, Seattle will count on his creative skills to spring speedster Montero loose in the box, and on his DP salary to spring random players (Montero, Jaqua, whoever) out of jail.
Coaches
This match up pits the last two coaches to win MLS Cup against one another: Dominic Kinnear and Sigi Schmid. If Rafa can get beat by a beach ball, so can Kinnear. Edge: Seattle
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