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(New York, 15 July, 2010)
American television networks, sponsors, bars and restaurants, and soccer clubs reported unparalleled interest in the 2010 FIFA World Cup. American fans responded by demanding significant rule changes.
"We had two bullshit calls go against us," said new soccer fan Jack Musciviak of Waukegan, WI. "Dont they know who we are? Let's get rolling on instant replay so that some Communist Duke from Iraq or somewhere can't take our hard-earned shit away from us!"
Jason Waxman, who's coached his son's AYSO team every year since 2005, finally "made it through an entire game without dozing off" but felt "the offside rule should be abolished" because it "confuses many people," including Milivoje Novakovič, who's "supposed to be, like, good or something."
Another new fan, Marcia Waxman of Buffalo, NY said, "Since all these lilting lillies fall over in that big white box, y'all should make a penalty kick only count for one point and have a regular goal count for two points. I also think y'all should make a 3-point line to encourage long shots."
Long-time England and House of Lords fan Nigel Morrison responded, "Bollocks! Utter bollocks! Why do you people always have to go and take something that's perfectly fine, like house music or democracy, and ruin it with needless innovation? Goal line technology? Not awarding seats in Parliament to people simply because they're descended from a bastard mercenary who went to work for that bastard William the Bastard! That's ... That's... That's actually not a bad idea if you really think about it. God, I hate you people."
Another new soccer fan, Paul Miller of Rock Island, IL said, "I think they should have a draft, parity enforced via a salary cap and it would be really cool if the league owned all the player contracts instead of the teams. Yeah, that would rock!"
Recently converted soccer fans in Houston, however, have expressed perplexity at the result of the final. "You mean the team wearing neon orange lost to the team wearing dark blue?" said one. "What's next, Algeria tying England?"
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