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(New York - November 3, 2009) MLS has announced that the University of Phoenix will offer an Associate Degree in MLS Tiebreakers beginning in 2010.
MLS Commissioner Don Garber said, "We were approached by MIT, Caltech, and the University of Köln to develop coursework that can explain the mysterious methods by which our league admits entrants into the MLS Cup Playoffs. We had to, as a league, decide which academic institution would best be able to explore, analyze, and explain that method. We realized early on that all three institutions had equally compelling cases. So we started examining the institutions compared to each other, head-to-head. When that didn't reveal an obvious choice, we examined tuition, weather, school size, cost, and zodiac signs. Then we flipped a coin. Finally, we just said, 'Aw, screw it. Just give it to the University of Phoenix.'
"Plus they promised to fix our air conditioners. We really need the AC back on; we've been reduced to negotiating expansion allotments with Canadian cities just to avoid the heat, while pleading 'bad reception' every time someone from Barcelona calls."
"I'd get that degree," said UOPX student Scott Summers. "I love Phoenix."
"Phoenix provided me with all the skills I need," said UOPX professor Dr. Rory Campbell. "And hunting down renegade mutants on Earth-811 has at least as much basis in reality as Major League Soccer's tie-breaker system. Or a University of Phoenix degree, for that matter."
UOPX, the only American "university" to date to be slapped with more fines than former TFC "coach" John Carver, seemed singularly undisturbed by the short shelf life of any one set of MLS rules. "With rules changing year-to-year—if not every few minutes—our four year degrees—which can be earned in a few minutes—will never be fully up-to-date," said a UOPX spokesman. "Since our students are committed to continuing education, rather than just obtaining a piece of embossed vellum—that's Latin for "toilet paper", by the way—that they can try to leverage into a pay raise, perpetual undergraduate-level study should be right up their alley. UOPX should know, too—many of our most-noted alumni are at this very moment huddled around a burning garbage can in that same alley."
The University of Phoenix's Dean of Paralegal, Protolegal, and Quasilegal Studies said, "This is exactly the kind of real-world coursework that our, I guess you could call them "students", crave. And at a low low introductory price, we expect this program to be a big success."
Despite the fact that no genuinely educated person takes UOPX—much like MXPX—seriously, the University of Phoenix is still the largest on-line educator in the United States and advertises on thousands of crappy blogs and unreadably bad websites, including this one. In the interest of full disclosure, FOUL received US$0.16 from the University of Phoenix in fiscal year 2009, which we spent on beer.
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