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(4 November 2009)
John Arne Riise, the Norwegian international renowned "for his runs forward and thunderous long shots"—earning him the nicknames "the Mighty Thor" and "that guy who runs forward"—is not going back to Liverpool.
"I don't think I've talked to them about going back," Riise told FOUL reporters busy digging through his trash looking for old payslips, "but then I don't have the best of memories. I had to get my daughter's birthday tattooed on my arm, just so I wouldn't forget. Oh, and her name, too. It's awkward, you know, when you can't remember, you know, to, you know, buy condoms."
"Hell, I probably won't even remember this conversation, I'm so busy texting. Does Zhang Ziyi speak Norwegian, or will I have to translate this?"
Riise then proceeded to emphatically reemphasize again, and with emphasis, again, that he is not, again not, going anywhere. Quite like his team.
For the record, John Arne Riise, who is not going to Liverpool, is also not going to Arsenal, Fulham, Real Betis, the moon, or any of the MLS clubs MLS Rumors might have linked him to since this "story" went to press. He is, however, going to play against Fulham, when Clint Dempsey, Eddie Johnson and the Cottagers who aren't American and therefore do absolutely nothing to justify the existence of Fulham FC—and the British Isles as a whole, for that matter—to Yanks Abroad readers travel to the Stadio Olimpico in their... you know, that competition named after the cow Zeus had sex with... it's on the tip of my tongue... almost... no, Zeus did not have sex with Melissa Tancredi... Eureka! I mean: Europa! UEFA Europa league tie this Thursday.
Eddie Johnson is not expected to play. Even if he's on the field. For 90 minutes. Even then.
In other news, FOUL has learned that Roma wingback John Arne Riise has just completed a €5.6 million move to Premiership strugglers Liverpool.
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