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(June 23, 2009/Johannesburg) Events following Egypt's "historic" win over Italy on Thursday have cast a pall over South Africa's ability to guarantee that foreign men can buy sex at prearranged, agreed-upon prices, prompting some critics to demand the 2010 World Cup be moved to Thailand or Cambodia, or even Spain, where even though a scantily-dressed, flamboyant whore might cost you £80 million, he'll never take more than the amount he's been promised.
Initial reports that 5 Egyptian players had US$2,400 stolen from their wallets following a break-in were dismissed after hotel spokesmen announced the existence of security footage showing several players entering the hotel accompanied by women "dressed like something you'd see on FOX" or "maybe at a church bake sale in Brazil."
Denials from Egyptian quarters were immediate and unequivocal, with Egyptian Confederations Cup delegation head Mohammed Tahir issuing the following statement:
We are Egypt, the nation of Cleopatra—it is ridiculous for people to associate us with sex. Our players are very religious, so they never get any. They believe in Allah, and the Koran. There is no scientific proof of the existence of this security tape. I have not seen it. You have not seen it. We are being asked to accept that it exists based on one man's word and faith. No, Leyla, scratch that, I'm setting myself up there. How about this: The security footage had obviously been misinterpreted, as the players were accompanied by scantily-clad women, not boys. No, that'll really backfire. How about: The American media is simply jealous that we could score on the whores and they couldn't. By which I mean the Italians. Stiff upper Lippi! No, no, not that either. Tell you what, Leyla, just say "No comment" and toss that in the trash. No, shred it and burn it first, then toss it in the trash. People here dig through rubbish, looking for god knows what. Yes, the English reporters covering the rugby. I know it's disgusting, but we still need to burn it first. Are you listening to me? Leyla? Why are you still writing? Shred it and burn it.
Homos also denied ever having had a woman. In his room. Ever having had a woman in his room.
"They weren't hookers," said Egyptian defender Hani Said. "They were female soccer players wearing prototypes of the new women's uniforms Sepp Blatter designed. If you think they looked like whores, take it up with Sepp."
"We're all very saddened by these events," said Ahmed Fathi. "It's a terrible misrepresentation of events. To be robbed, then slandered [this article is a complete work of parody and any similarities to anyone living or dead, even when they have exactly the same names, jobs and dates of birth, are entirely coincidental –eds.] is just terrible. But it's the sort of thing that helps us come closer together as a team. I've learnt a lot about my teammates in the past week. For instance, I learned that Essam El Hadary likes to be kicked. But then I learnt that he doesn't like it all the time."
"Those Egyptians are really into some kinky stuff," said a hotel employee on condition of anonymity. "One of the prostitutes who went into their room during the game was dressed like a maid, and another like a cop. I mean, I 'get' cosplay and a bit of light BDSM—the maid had a feather duster, and the cop did have handcuffs, a truncheon, and—come to think of it—was equipped for gunplay—but what kind of sick fucking CBT involves a crowbar and lockpicks?"
A South African spokesman told reporters that: "This sort of crime will not be a concern by next summer. We fully plan to make all adult pay-per-view complimentary in all 3-, 4-, and 5-star hotels by then. We're putting together a whole schedule of raw, raunchy pornographic feature films to make sure everyone from everywhere has something to jerk off to that they'll prefer over boning the local women. We'll have pornos like Big Titty Bitches for the Americans, Slutty Skanks Your Mother Will Approve Of for the Italians, JD High School Girls Go Shit-Shit in Mouths for Super Happy for the Japanese and possibly a Hugh Grant marathon for the English. Visitors to South Africa 2010 will feel safe jerking off in their hotel rooms, or in the middle of the field during a game, like Pablo Pozo."
But not everyone who's the victim of a crime is not not the victim of a crime. Another South African FA spokesman, responding to questions regarding the Lions fans robbed at gunpoint last weekend, claimed: "It was their own fault. I mean, they were dressed like hookers. What did they expect? You can't just walk around Johannesburg wearing a Lee Mears or Matthew Rees jersey."
The impossibility of finding adequate skin flicks for the proclivities of everyone from 31 different foreign countries has done little to dispel doubts about South Africa's readiness for 2010. US Soccer Hall of Famer Eric Wynalda, for example, was strongly supportive of the proposed relocation to Thailand, as it's one of the very few places in the world where men have pussies in which to place dirt. The Football Association of Thailand, however, has declined interest, as "with the millions of euros in revenue hosting a world cup would generate we'd probably have to like put the dates and locations and maybe even the kickoff times of the matches on like a website or something and frankly we can't be arsed hell we can't even be arsed to use commas", though local critics claim the FAT suffers from poor body-image and just wants to shun attention. "The elephant logo doesn't help," said one Bangkok resident, who would be a Thai football fan, if he had any idea when or where the games were played. He also confirmed that Thai teams probably play in the Queen's Cup, not the Queens' Cup, allaying fears in at least one of New York's five boroughs—the one where people can be arsed to use apostrophes, even if maybe they should'n't
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