(Foxboro, MA) Noted philanthropist Robert Kraft has stepped up his one-man battle against malaria by bringing in yet another slave African player.

Taking inspiration from Major League Soccer's "Nothing But Nets" campaign to distribute mosquito nets in at-risk African communities, Kraft, the president of the New England Revolution, has sent scouts pouring across Africa armed with US$13,000 per year non-guaranteed contracts.

"This really is a human catastrophe" says Revolution head coach Steve Nicol on a recent trip through Ghana. "But it's an avoidable catastrophe. By signing these folks to practically-worthless contracts and shipping them back to New England we can ensure that these lucky people won't catch this deadly disease." 

Nicol hopes to return from Africa with "at least a truckload" of nominally remunerated employees. So far, Nicol and others have distributed more contracts than they can count. "Of course, we can't save everybody on the continent," Says Nicol, "so we focus on those with the best crossing ability and raw athletic talent."

The most recent chattel player is named Emmanuel Osei.  It is as yet unknown if he plays soccer.

Kraft has designed a facility in Foxboro that is not conducive to the parasites that spread malaria. There's no grass anywhere and the field requires no water. Says Kraft, "Mosquitos have a very difficult time breeding on FieldTurf and the giant Patriots logo at midfield seems to scare away them away." 

Paul Mariner, an assistant to Nicol says, "It's practically clinical. And it's generally so sparsely populated that the mosquitos just bugger off and go somewhere more productive."

Malaria is an infectious disease commonly spread through mosquitos and causes symptoms that include fever, chills, nausea, and in severe cases, coma, which is eerily similar to the symptoms Revolution fans experienced after failing to win any of four separate MLS Cup Finals.