| May 10, 2009 |
STEPHEN HAWKING INKS LONG-TERM DEAL WITH TFC
By Guppy |
FOUL has learned that Stephen Hawking has
been signed by Toronto FC to replace the struggling Chad Barrett at the
striker position.
While the noted astrophysicist suffers from motor neuron disease,
which apparently leaves him unable to ambulate without the use of a
wheelchair, he has compensated for his disabilities to a great
degree.
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| Magnificent header by Hawking |
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It is commonly-known that Hawking communicates to the outside world
by voice synthesizer, and very very slowly, as he has to enter words
using his cheek muscle. Less commonly known, however, is that over time
Stephen Hawking has developed his cheek muscle geometrically according
to the Neumann series.
Suppose that T is a bounded operator on the normed cheek space X.
If the Neumann series converges in the operator norm, then Id – T is
invertible and its inverse is the sum of the series:
Or in other words, Hawking can talk faster with the machine if he
wanted. A lot faster. He could talk faster than the speed of light, in
fact, if it were not impossible to exceed the speed of light. Even more
incredibly, Hawking doesn't even need the chair to get around, but can
hop about impressively, using his cheek muscle like a high-tension
spring.
Why has he continued to talk slowly, and use the chair? Well,
mostly for sympathy, and for his image. But all that is about to change!
Hawking has developed some exceptional ideas about how the game
should best be played. "The player," the astrophysicist has been quoted
as saying, "must see the net as a black hole, and goal line is the
event horizon. A strike of the ball is really a Euclidean path, and if
the integral is taken over all topologically trivial metrics, an
optimal force and direction may be calculated."
Back to the Neumann series for a moment: one case in which a goal is scored is when X is a Banach space and |T|
< 1 in the operator norm. However, there are also results which give
sailing over the crossbar under which the series converges.
Hawking has found that he can use his cheek muscle for almost
anything, from skinning the family cat to fisting his 4th wife. So it
would be nothing to 'cheek' a soccer ball! And of course this is
entirely legal as the cheek is, according to referees, actually a part
of a person's head. The last obstacle to Hawking actually playing is
removed!
Hawking has a research chair at Waterloo's Perimeter Institute for
Theoretical Physics. During one of his visits the subject got around to
soccer and Hawking gave a demonstration of his exceptional 'cheeking'
abilities to Chris Cummins, coach of TFC and particle physics amateur
enthusiast. Given SH's exceptional mind and cheeking abilities,
cheeking in line-drives, and heading corners by launching himself
horizontally was child's play. TFC wasted no space-time signing SH to a
long-term 10 million dollar a year DP deal.
It is expected that Hawking will wear number 3.14159265. |
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