|
(May 17, 2009)
The European Space Agency submitted an official complaint to Major League Soccer last Saturday requesting that Kansas City Wizards goalkeeper Kevin Hartman please, please, for the love of god please, shave his head.
"Glare from his hair is likely to interfere with readings from the recently-launched Herschel Space Observatory," the letter reads. "It is already impeding our ability to track Herschel's progress towards L2, due to the intense amount of electromagnetic noise it reflects into near-Earth space."
"Whatever he's putting in it, it's got an albedo of between 0.91 and 0.92—that's brighter than snow," said ESA spokesman Luc Vigo. "No, not that terrible white rapper—thank you, Toronto—but real, solid snow. Like water ice. No, not that water ice. I don't care if the Sons of Ben are thirsty now. What? No, I'm not going to free up valuable ESA resources to do a spectral analysis of the water ice they were carrying last last week to convince those guys from FOUL that it really was lemon-flavored."
The Herschel Space Observatory's science goals include investigations into:
- Galaxy formation
- Star formation
- Chemical composition of bodies within the solar system
- Molecular chemistry across the universe.
"They're investigating 'Galaxy Formation'?" said Parisian San Jose fan Olivier Séisme. "Why? It doesn't matter if they play a 4-4-2, a 5-2-3, or a 4-3-3—they could even play a 4-4-3, like Chicago did against Columbus—the end result is astronomical suckage. The defense'll collapse, then the midfield. The Galaxy won't be around come the playoffs, that's for sure."
Vigo, apparently absorbed in thought, scribbled in his notebook and muttered "Hm, Big Crunch after all, interesting" while bobbing his head up and down like a bobblehead. Séisme got hungry and ran off to buy a Nestlé Crunch.
When reached for comment, Hartman replied that he was simply doing his bit to counter AGW by raising the average albedo of the earth. "It's not like BMO Stadium is doing its bit to reduce net carbon emissions. And the Whitecaps are worse; they grow grass, then burn it!"
"And also, if he has time, could he shave Kyle Beckerman's head as well?" Vigo asked. "There's no real practical imperative for doing so, but we'd all be a whole lot happier if he did. I'm speaking not just on behalf of myself, nor just on behalf of everyone at the ESA, nor just on behalf of the entire population of Europe, but rather on behalf of every sentient being in the universe we so love to explore. Except for the aliens from Predator, who think he'd be kinda hot with some lipstick and the mutilated remains of his slain foes draped around his neck. Oh well, asinus asino et sus sui pulcher, no?"
|
