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(16 July 2010, Oberhausen, Germany)
Paul, the oracular octopus from Oberhausen's Sea Life Center whom, much to Vicente del Bosque's chagrin, Spanish fans and shameless frontrunners the world over credit with Spain's World Cup victory is, as we've all long suspected, smarter than Max Bretos.
While most cephalopods—and, indeed, invertebrates in general—knew better than to predict Cameroon winning the World Cup (sorry, Dan), Paul has consistently predicted winners of World Cup matches accurately, calling all seven of Germany's matches as well as the final by eating shellfish out of boxes marked with flags.
With exactly as many feet as David "Little Clam" Beckham (no joke—that's his name in Chinese), and almost as many insidious tentacles as Jack Warner, MLS Rumors is already predicting a Paul-to-RBNY move, thought more credible sources (like homeless schizophrenic panhandlers) indicate that, in actuality, another spineless bottom feeder best known for falling down in the right box and currently nearing the end of his life expectancy is close to signing with the New York club.
But the recently-retired Paul's celebrity doesn't stop there. He's currently slated to star in both the upcoming Warner Bros. adaptation of Frank Norris's The Octopus (to be directed by Brett Ratner, so if you were wondering how they were going to work a literal, flesh-and-blood octopus into Norris's story of working class wheat farmers battling railroad barons in turn-of-the-century California, the answer is "poorly") and Alice Japan's adaptation of Hokusai's The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife (if Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers can turn Where the Wild Things Are into a two-hour movie...). He also anticipates future employment as GM of the San Jose Earthquakes and/or Red Bull New York and/or the Los Angeles Galaxy, as a functioning neocortex isn't requisite to any of those jobs, so long as you're famous.
Claims that Paul is actually the still-animate severed head of dark eldritch power Cthulhu have been dismissed by FIFA President Sepp Blatter. "I make it a practice to remove it and insert it in my anus whenever questions regarding goal line technology are put to me," Blatter told reporters at a press conference held in R'lyeh, "but I always keep it close."
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