Columbus Vs. Real Salt Lake

At the beginning of the season, new Columbus coach Robert Warzycha seemed to be going out of his way to prove every Polish joke ever made right. But when they finally got their first win, a light bulb went off, or was perhaps screwed in properly, and Columbus has polka'd through the league since.

Jason Kreis' RSL owes their playoff spot to the jaw-dropping impotence of nearly every other team in the league. Well, it happens to everyone every now and then. I've heard. RSL lurched through 2009 with the consistency and grace of the Middle East Peace Process: one week there's cautious optimism, the next there's a galling crash, a blinding flash of human blood, and you're left wondering where your right leg might've wandered off to. And then there's the bigamists and stonings.

Players to watch

If Art Garfunkle was a giant clumsy oaf with a shank made of kitchen utensils, you'd call him Steven Lenhart. With Schellotto sipping mint juleps with Frankie Hejduk on the bench for much of 2009, the Crew's other players conclusively proved what everyone else merely suspected: namely, that MLS really isn't all that good. And no one personified this more than Lenhart, who bumbled through opposing defenders with a modicum of success that should have appalled even the most casual viewer. Lenhart isn't so much a Player To Watch as a Player You Can't Fucking Believe Gets Paid To Be A Professional Athlete.

Jamaican midfielder Kyle Beckerman drives the RSL offense behind the speedy Findley and the vampiric Movsisyan. But according to Kevin Payne, and just about no one else, Kreis preaches the Mormon Gospel of Bora Ball, which actually wouldn't be a bad idea against a Crew team which is more talented at every single position on the field. So perhaps it would be wiser to watch Jamison Olave, who's certainly good for at least five yellow cards, especially if he's baited by Nordecke fans with monkey chants.

Edge: Even

Coaches

Jason Kreis is the worst-dressed gay coach in all of MLS today. As a player, he was known for being stupid but passionate. Now that he's a coach, he's dialed down the passion. So he's just stupid. And poorly dressed.

Robert Warzycha is Polish.

Edge: RSL

NE vs Chicago

At some point, the MLS Rules Committee will have to figure out a way to keep USL-1 Champion New England out of the MLS Cup Playoffs. In the meantime, extra medical crews will be on hand, and they may be the only people on hand at Foxboro, in this intriguing matchup between MLS' most notorious thugs and MLS' most hilarious sufferers of vertigo

If Chicago can neutralize the New England crowd ... Naw, just kidding.

Coaches

Of course, all the "real" experts will blabber on about Shalrie vs. Cuauhtémoc, but the most interesting battle will be between Steve Nicol's skull and Steve Nicol's brain, exploding Scanners-style after Blanco hurls himself onto the turf for the 331st time in the first half of the first game.

As of right now, Denis Hamlet is currently the coach of the Chicago Fire, for the time being.

Edge: NE

Players to watch

If Chicago can figure out how to keep Shalrie Joseph silent, there have to be players on New England who can do something, anything, with passably decent skill. But I'll be damned if I can name any of them without Wikipedia. Well, okay, there's that giant red-headed mule (Lalas? Weaselly? I forget). And those African dudes. And Conor Casey is pretty good in goal.

Brian McBride got his face broke against Italy in the World Cup. So, in a way, he's been preparing for these playoffs for over three years.