Hell City?

By Keith Moss

(9 January 2010)

Adu and Caicedo are the latest forwards to join the hell-before-Hull club, joining an illustrious list including Alvaro Negredo, Frazier Campbell, Benjani Mwaruwari, Marc-Antoine Fortune, Bobby 'Four goals last season' Zamora and Michael 'Two league goals this season' Owen to have 'distanced themselves' (i.e running as far as their legs will carry them in any direction but Hull) from reports claiming they could be set to join the Premier League club in recent times.

Has any other club ever been deemed as much of a no-go area by as many players in succession? Jozy Altidore and Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink were the only willing frontline additions during the Tigers' ill-fated Summer recruitment drive and the latter is reportedly already on his way out, with The Wee Man Strachan beckoning him Riverside, like Noah upon spotting a stray salamander lurking by his Ark.

Only if Jim Jones had founded a Jonestown League (the GFF Kool-Aid^TM Premiership?) could I imagine there to have been a sense of trepidation to compare with that of any present-day would-be goal-poacher upon them being linked with Hull Shitty. But as bad as Jungle Jim was (and 918 deaths can't be wrong, as Elvis himself told us) there is no evidence to suggest that 1978's equivalent-level strikers rejected overtures to decamp to his death camp. Alright, so there's also no evidence to suggest that the likes of Kenny Dalglish, Mario Kempes, Trevor Francis or Garry Birtles ever received offers to put even more guy into Guyana. Although one must wonder how many Manchester United fans felt tempted to force Birtles to quaff a similarly-poisonous elixir two years later after he'd scored a grand total of one goal in thirty-two appearances.

Now there's one striker I bet even Hull haven't been turned-down by. Phil Brown, pick up that phone. With Birtles leading the line, the sky's the limit (or Row Z at any rate). For a club who need to generate £16 million to remain in existence if they manage to stay up (and £23 million if they don't) the 56 year-old Birtles may be all their price range will extend itself to. A Season In Hull awaits...

The End