(May 12, 2009/ Philadelphia) The reaction to Monday’s announcement that Philadelphia’s nascent soccer team will be called Civil Union has been a mixed bag. While the name seemed to strike a chord with some, it struck a nerve with others, with many right wing nuts now estranged from the team and considering protests against the decision.
Civil Union’s GM Nick Sakiewicz said, “This is all about creating a deep personal bond with our fans. Now that we are officially up and running, we are going to put some muscle into it. We’re very excited.”
A Civil Union supporter, Bryan Jones, said, “We love them. They love us. What could be more perfect? We’re gonna have a ball. You have to
wear a tux if you want to come.”
But some right-wing crackpots are more flaccid about the choice. Jeremiah Smith of the group 2M4M said, “It’s a disgrace. They never filled us in. There was no tit for tat. We feel stiffed.”
“With the success of the tax-day teabaggers, we might also try some direct action.”
Sakiewicz noted that Philadelphia Civil Union would do its best to attract new fans. “We’re confident that Civil Union will grow on people. After all, Philadelphia is all about brotherly love, right?
And aren't all men brothers? Hot, beefy, sweaty... brothers. Excuse me one minute.“
“At the end of the day,” said Sakiewicz, “we can all agree that gay men have a more highly-refined sense of style, and gay women either have a more highly-refined sense of style or some sweet ass old school mullets that any Argentine footballer would give his national team coach's cocaine-shrivelled left nut for. Our waterfront stadium is going to be more tastefully designed than any other facility in the United States, and conveniently situated for pregame watersports. I mean, water sports. And also peeing on each other, cuz I hear the Sons of Ben are into that."
"Also, we'll offer Sanguinello mimosas and Malibu-based cocktails at our concession stands, as well as more traditional fare, like hot dogs, bratwursts, frankfurters, Polish sausages, chorizo and--everyone's personal favorite--longaniza. It will be a veritable sausage fest! Oh, and mini quiches. Those rock.”
"I think when you really get down to it," said Jones, "we're not all that different from the Christian right. For years the Sons of Bens were fans of a team that didn't really exist. Now that team does exist. Their faith and perseverance should serve as inspiration to conservative Christians and Muslims--and anyone else who believes in a god that doesn't actually exist--everywhere."
Rumors that a splinter group from the Sons of Ben will seek to found a USL team, tentatively called The Jews Faked the Fossil Record to Trick You into Abortion FC, are completely unfounded. As completely unfounded as the theory of evolution, and as meaningless as the establishment clause.
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