Now that Washington has sorted out the crises in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, global warming, finance, healthcare, torture, civil rights, poverty, social security, electoral reform, nuclear proliferation, energy dependence, AIDS, immigration, fair trade, drugs, globalization, overpopulation, water pollution, and SuperLiga, Senate Republicans are turning their attention to the important issue of banning human-animal hybrids.

Sen. Sam Brownback, and other members of the shadowy right-wing cult The Family, have proposed legislation that would ban the creation of creatures with DNA from more than one species, like minotaurs, centaurs, mermaids, and Ruud Van Nistelrooy.

Man-Toad Cuauhtémoc Blanco

Sen. Brownback says, "Creating human-animal hybrids will challenge the very definition of what it means to be an attacking midfielder for the Chicago Fire. We say 'No' to man-toads and other abominations against God himself."

Cuauhtémoc Blanco responded by shrugging his shoulders, we think, and saying, "Like fans of Fire, man is borracho."

Brownback claims that genetically engineered chimeras are "a violation of human dignity no less appalling than the MLS All-Star Game."

"Half-man, half-mule Josh Wicks may be a passably average goalkeeper for the Washington, DC Uniteds, but he is an affront to decency and Godliness. And don't get me started on Jeff Laurentowicz, who is half-man, half-Clifford The Big Red Dog. The Holy Bible speaks of these things."

Noted bigot and senator from Alabama Jeff Sessions characterized half-man, half Eyeless Star-Nosed Mole Abby Okulaja as an "uppity talpid unfit to pass judgment on decent, hard-working white people."

"When God created the world 6,005 years ago, I doubt he was thinking of having half-troll, half cauliflower Chad Barrett miss an empty net from 5 yards out."

Sen. David Vitter (R, LA) said he felt it "competitively unfair" to fit "WPS goalkeepers with tentacles", but added that he "could probably find a good use for Hope Solo outside the professional sporting arena" and "she's not a cop, right?"