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(June 6, 2009)
Despite having watched Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan twice on Friday night, England is still taking its World Cup qualifier at Kazakhstan on Saturday seriously.
"We're taking them very seriously," said Steven Gerrard. "We have to. They're like Russians mixed with Arabs over here. If we come out too cocky, they might shoot us in the leg. Or if we sing in a bar. Don't you read The Sun?"
"I hope it doesn't go to penalties," said John Terry. "Oh, wait, it's a qualifier. I hope it doesn't go to penalties..."
Borat, in which Sacha Baron Cohen, pretending to be a Kazakh reporter, makes Americans look like idiots (see? it took eleven Costa Ricans to do that) while in hot-but-clumsy romantic pursuit of Pamela Anderson, made many critics' 10 best lists in 2006, the year of its release. Wayne Rooney claimed it made him laugh so hard he wet himself, but his teammates insist that he just has a medical condition.
"Oh, he really wants to have sex with that Pamela Anderson," Ashley Cole told FOUL. "Ha ha ha! No, really, tactical match-ups on the wing will be crucial, and we gotta get to those 50-50 balls faster. Balls! Ha ha ha!"
"I love this movie!" said Frank Lampard. "He sings the words of his country's national anthem to the tune of your country's national anthem! That's brilliant! Even though your country stole the tune for its national anthem from a drinking song from my country. Shit! There goes Rooney."
Capello, disheartened at the irreverence and social interaction displayed by his players, found some cause for cheer. "As much as they might have laughed while watching this movie, they left it deeply, deeply disturbed. They saw all the evils of the world: hate, xenophobia, homophobia, anti-semitism and Ken Davitian naked."
"I'm still having bad dweams," said Gareth Barry. "Víctor Púa figures into many of them. Usually naked and sitting on my face."
Púa, when reached for comment, simply said "Stuff and fluff" and mumbled about honey.
"I have bad dreams, too," said England star David Beckham. "Recurrent nightmares. Usually about Bruce Arena chasing me naked through a hotel conference room, waving a dildo at me. Movie? What movie?"
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