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(3 Dec 2009)
FOUL can now reveal that MLS Commissioner Don Garber has met with league bloggers.
In what must have been a "Top Secret" location, the notoriously surreptitious league commissioner met with fat, pale internet geeks and obsessive fanboys to thank them for their work on behalf of the league.
"I want to thank you all for taking time away from your... well, not your lives, exactly, but for at least putting WoW on pause for long enough to point out that the 'faces' of MLS Cup 2009—Kyle Martino and Landon Donovan—both missed their PKs," MLS commissioner Don Garber told the assembly of fans who really—no really!—did have other things they could be doing. "MLS simply wouldn't have survived without assholes like you to point that out."
"I know you wear those scarves, even in the middle of summer, because you're passionate about the league and the sport," he added. "Not because they hide your extra chins. Boycott no-neck!"
There have been whispers that the meeting took place at the "Blewett Suite" of an undisclosed Seattle hotel. It is unknown who attended the secret meeting, when it was held, or how long the meeting lasted.
What is known is that America's most venerated soccer website—FOUL-USA.com—was, shockingly, not invited. FOUL's editors are said to be puzzled, angry and more than a little insecure.
"We must come to the conclusion that our news is just too hard-hitting and edgy for the suits in the league office," Co-Publisher, Designer, and Lead Gofer Les Moore divulged to himself, at his own little press junket. "How else can you explain it?"
Co-Publisher, Editor, and Executive Gopher Thomas Mazama said: "Maybe the invite got lost in the mail? Or maybe it came that day my internet girlfriend accidentally deleted all my email. I don't know. I bet they had hors d'oeuvres too. And pizza. Man, I love me my pizza."
"Does this FC Dallas jersey make me look fat?" said... well, it doesn't really matter who said it. They all look fat.
Moore said: "If they think they can shut us up they are dead wrong. Dead wrong. It didn't work when the Obama Administration refused to give interviews to Fox News and it won't work now. Like Fox, this will only embolden us to completely fabricate more sinister prevarications and bald-faced lies. Beware Iranian nukes!!!!!!"
Drew Carey, who is kinda funny (Like FOUL!) and who smells kinda foul (like Will Johnson!) was in attendance, as were the three guys who do mls rumors rumors, which fabricates slightly fewer stories than FOX News, if only because they're some dudes with a blog and not a 24-hour cable news station.
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