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(Nov 11, 2009)
Earlier this week, while attempting to reduce the playoff life of rival MLS teams through a pseudo-Schrödinger's cat scenario, Seattle Sounders FC supporters produced photographic evidence that Bigfoot does indeed exist.1
"It's incontrovertible proof," said Dirk McKool, who identified himself. "This is Bigfoot, the legendary Sasquatch. You all said I was crazy, but now you know! It was him all those female hikers saw, not Nate Jaqua!"
On closer inspection, it was determined that the giant, limping, fur-covered humanoid that reeked of deer droppings was not, in fact, Bigfoot at all, but rather DC United midfielder Ben Olsen, who has played in MLS prior to 2009, the year commonly believed by Seattle Sounders fans as the first year of MLS.
"But it has to be Bigfoot! He's like... 5'8"!! No one in Seattle's been that tall since the NBA folded back in 2008, ending the last Epoch of the Universe, or yuga, and ushering in the new yuga, in which the Prajapatis, by which I mean the Sounders
starting eleven, gave rise to what is, in this late yuga, Major League Soccer," said Seattle fan Randy Krevoy. "Oh, and they also gave rise to the entire human race. Sometimes I forget that part."
When faced with the overwhelming evidence that not only did the group of fans not find Bigfoot, but that MLS has in fact been in existence since 1996, they became unruly, and started screaming about Quest Field (home of the NFL team Seattle Seahawks) being the premier soccer stadium in the world, and chanting for the return of their
beloved Sonics.
"It was built by Sky People! SKYYYYY PEEEEEOOPPLLLEE!!!" said one.
"DAMN YOU DOCTOR ROBOTNIK!!!!!" said another.
The King County Department of Sanitation has agreed to clean up the mess left by the Sounders fans, now that they've been confronted by the same simple truth we've all known for over a year: that Seattle will be hosting MLS Cup 2009 with absoultely no hope of hoisting it.
"And believe you me, that was a damn lot of diapers to change," said Seattle-area sanitation worker Ben Dragavon. "We ran out of Wet Ones pretty early on, but—no sweat!—it's not like they were gonna use any of those tickets they bought. Two birds, eh?"
"It's not fair," said one teary-eyed Seattle fan. "We've kept this league going since its inception in 2009; it's been documented on numerous blogs that we are the best fans that have ever been or will ever be. MLS should be grateful we exist; without us, people would have to watch inferior soccer. Like the UEFA Champions League, for instance."
Seattle, the most financially successful club in MLS—owing to its patent rights on songs, cheers, chants, throw-ins and the wheel—lost at the weekend 1-0 to Houston Dynamo, who still believe the formation of MLS to be 160 years in the future, as a result of the city—in a quixotic munson of an attempt to side-step the Y2K bug in 2006—having set all calendars back to the year 1836 when Houston joined the league.
1It should be noted that, as no Seattle fans travelled to the game in Houston to observe it directly, the Sounders' playoff hopes were simultaneously both alive and dead until they looked at the box score.
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