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(August 17, 2009)
Target-of-Criticism forward Brian Ching, tired of losing games with both club and country to terrible opposition like Dallas and utterly terrible opposition like Mexico, has approached USSF President Sunil Gulati with a unique solution: sacrifice Stuart Holden to a volcano.
"Any volcano will do, really," Ching told Gulati while driving around, trying to find a White Castle. "Just so long as it's big, active, and will employ its supernatural powers to swap favors for virgins."
When asked how he knew Holden to be a virgin (a fair question, as misidentifying virgins resulted in botched invocations in Cast a Deadly Spell and that episode of Angel that riffed on Cast a Deadly Spell , as well as Monster Squad, which had that guy from Kids Incorporated who kinda looks like Brian Ching, as well as the Creature from the Black Lagoon, who kinda looks like Kyle Beckermann), Ching pointed out that "in addition to the fact that he wears a True-Love-Waits ring, there's also the fact that he has the same haircut as Stuart Holden."
The ritual, ideally to be performed in a luakini on an active volcano by a kahuna—or Abe Vigoda, if he's still alive—would require little in the way of preparation or ceremony: Holden would simply strip naked and the kahuna would push him in. Just how long would that take? In minutes? Well, "bath time" is only two syllables, so grab a stop watch and find out. Though Ching very candidly admitted that he would expect the USSF to "pony up some cash for a bath toy scoop that they'll never, ever see again" and "a Superman cape towel... but that's for me."
Gulati, while initially intrigued by the idea, soon became distracted with concepts for a new martini variant called a "luakini."
"It's a great idea for a drink," he told Ching. "But I'd hate for it to be offensive to Hawaiians. I mean, Hawaiians hate to commercially trivialize their traditional culture to pander to drunk, open-walleted tourists, right? I mean, that idea we had, after the Landon sports bra thing, to have you score and take off your shirt to reveal a coconut bra, that didn't go over too well, did it?"
Ching, suspecting that by mentioning the faux sanctity of traditional Hawaiian culture, Gulati was trying to soften him up for the inevitable "How 'bout the USSF pay player bonuses in brightly-colored feathers instead of cash?" proposal, instantly regretted having taught Experiment 636 about life, love and 'ohana, thereby pacifying him forever. It would have been nice, thought Ching, to have something as voracious, destructive and utterly evil as Jack Warner in my corner right about now.
Gulati, his thoughts again turned to Ching's volcano concept, instantly regretted having taught Stuart Holden about life, love and... well, love mostly, as that's the one that spoiled him for volcano sacrifice. I wonder if Freddy Adu's still a virgin, thought Gulati. Guess I'll have to bring in Bruce Arena for another polygraph.
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