(June 14, 2009) Controversy erupted after the Houston-Chivas game Wednesday, when it was alleged Stuart Holden, starting mid for the Houston Dynamo, spread his arms, rolled left and then right, and, grinning wildly, dove into his teammates. That's right, Holden, during his goal celebration, 'made like Air France.' "There's no doubt about it, he was mocking the victims" said a man wearing a wrestling mask with a beak and spikey things on the top that resembled feathers. "Anything else?" we asked. "And later, yah, the water bottle." "The water bottle?! What about the water bottle?" "He threw it on the field, or at least dropped it with a slight forward motion. He shouted something." "Did it sound French? "French?! I dunno. Maybe. Why not. Ya, ya, it was French, wasn't it?" "We're asking you!" "Ya sure, of course....ya, come to think of it, it was definitely French what he said. A French word, I mean." "Could he have said pitot tube?" "Ya! Maybe! Ya, that's exactly what he said. Pitot Tube. I remember now. Then he tossed it on the field." "Did he point to the sky and then the ground after he did it?" "Huh? No." "Think harder." "I mean yes. All that. Look, it's not as if we love the French you understand. But if we keep it up, maybe Houston will be deducted points." What does the club have to say? Well, the Houston club quickly released a statement, claiming it was all a misunderstanding and Holden's goal celebration did not deviate from his usual boorish antics. And what does Holden have to say? At first, Holden ducked reporters. But Friday night FOUL managed to coax an interview out of him by suggesting it was his only chance to tell his side of the story in an exclusive unbiased interview. "I celebrate my goals the same way each time. Ya, this time I rolled my wings--I mean, arms a bit more. But that's cuz of the turbulence. A storm was coming on. My ears were blocked and was having trouble gauging my speed--er, I know how it sounds, but that's all coincidence."
"And what about the water bottle? Why did you throw it on the field?"
"Aye, it was knackered," Holden said in a thick Texas drawl, but peppering his speech with Scottish phrases. "Ah dinnae ken. It should have been replaced months ago."
"And the tail fin?"
"Tail fin?! First, it's called a vertical stabilizer. It's my business to know. I mean, I'm not a pilot, but I play one on tv. I'm not just waving my arms out there. I AM a plane. And to do that, to do
it right, to be CONVINCING, I gotta know know planes. I--know--planes. I wish--"
"You were a A330 airbus?"
"No smart ass. I wish I --"
"was a B-2 Stealth Bomber?"
"No!"
"A Sopwith Camel biplane of the first World War?"
"A Sopwith Camel fighting the Red Baron's Folker Dr. 1!!" Holden exclaimed.
"With the Royal Air Force!' we suggested.
"The Royal Air Force! Rat-a-tat-tat! Now, wait, wait, wait. No wait a second, we're talking nonsense. I mean I wish I was a pilot. But I'm afraid of heights. Anyway, the 'tail fin' as you call wasn't a tail fin, it was a banner--a banner! It blew in from the stands, apparently ... folded over... looked like a fin ...just happened to have some stripes they tell me. I don't work with props. I consider props beneath me. I am a true artiste."
"A banner that just happened to have two stripes on it, one blue, one red, and just happened to be at your feet."
"I didn't look at it."
"Didn't you wear the fin on your head briefly and it fell off?"
"Ridiculous! Check the video."
"We did."
"Listen, remember who you are talking to, last year I won the Dynamo Humanitarian Award or whatever the feck it was called, ya feckin' erse! Yer oot yer face!"
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