Pledge to Foul the Hell Out of Freddy Montero

The Kansas City Wizards announced yesterday (well, probably like two years ago, but I'm China, so I only heard about it yesterday) plans to "team up" (they could have said "work with", "collaborate with" or "contribute to" but none of those alternatives are cheesy team-sport puns) with the Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault, a Kansas City-based organization that offers services in intervention, treatment and advocacy for victims of sexual abuse and rape.

When the Wizards travel to Seattle this weekend to play the still-unbeaten (3-0 is a portent of greatness! sayeth the 2006 Kansas City Wizards) Sounders, the Kansas City defenders will be ready to make their own contribution to "Prevention and Intervention" by "putting that little twat Montero in the [expletive] hospital."

St. Expletive's Hospice declined comment.

"Yeah, let's see him stand in the bushes outside somebody's window at one in the morning with two broken legs," said Wizards defender Michael Harrington. "We're not just gonna put this guy in the ICU, we're gonna put him in such a world of hurt that, once the ICU stabilizes him, they're gonna hafta fly him halfway across the country, to a overpriced research hospital in New England. With a Jewish name. And new magazines in the waiting room.

"Or to Toronto, where healthcare is free. I hear he's never been to Toronto."

"It's hard to think of these animals as being human," said Wizards captain and centerback Jimmy Conrad. "Not just because they're sexual predators, though that's horrible enough. It's also because he's Colombian, and the US government goes to great lengths to convince us that Colombians aren't human."

Claudio López added that at América, whose jerseys are sponsored by Coke, no one even pretends Colombians are human.

"We actually have a bet with some of the defenders from TFC," said Matt Besler, "as to whether or not it's safe to ingest FieldTurf. One more thing Freddy's doctors can let us know."

"I will headbutt him in the scrotum," said Wizards midfielder Lance Watson, "if somebody fetches me a stool."

"It's a well-known fact that persons with developmental disabilities are quite frequently victims of sexual violence," said Aaron Hohlbein. "So fans of the Seattle Sounders are especially at risk. Someone has to stop Montero, or he'll just continue to 'give the Sounders fans mad love.' By which I mean, follow them to their cars for fivers and half-eaten things of jelly beans."

Jonathan Leathers will most likely be left off the squad, as a guy named "Leathers" beating Montero's ass till the skin splits into seepy horizontal welts resembling (appropriately!) FC Dallas's home kits might give the appearance of condoning consensual sexual abuse, confusing the message that rape, molestation and stopping at red lights are all serious crimes.