The Bizarro Quakes—you know, the San Jose Earthquakes from an alternate universe where everything is so weird even Japanese porn (our universe's Earth's Japan's porn, not theirs, which is mostly daguerreotypes of successful career women's résumés) seems normal. The Bizarro Quakes are likely to win a lot of games this season (remember everything's backwards in their universe), despite the loss of DeRo, and to bless Landon Donovan in effigy, even though everyone in both universes shudders when they see that photo of him at the water fountain.

Prediction: will place 2^nd in the West, but (seeing as this is the Bizarro Universe) will have to beat a team from the East to make it to MLS Cup, where they will most likely make the Revs look like a bunch of underachieving little girls. (Anyone up on their MWI should know the point of divergence between Our Quakes and Theirs.)

The Colorado Rapids, the league's newest expansion te—what, they're not an expansion team? But the Quakes were the new team last year. Yeah. Yeah. TFC the year bef Since '96!?! Hm. The things you learn. The Colorado Rapids, the team you haven't heard of that's been around since 1996—which is as long as the league—will accomplish their one and only goal: winning the season series against RSL. Eiffel Tower High or whatever they're called won't give a damn about the playoffs or the Open Cup (the Wanking Winos! for the love of God!) and all their fans will stop whining about it when the Waffle House tells 'em they can't put two tables together because it's a fire hazard.

Prediction: Thank the Bizarro god for Seattle.

Okay, so the real expansion squad: Seattle. Expect Emerald City to get owned by Kansas City, as the latter is named after the Wizard of Oz. Hell, expect them to get owned by everybody in the East, and almost everybody in the West. Expect their fans' denial about their prospects to be higher-karat comedy gold than "The Drew Carey Show" and "Whose Line" combined, and expect nobody in mainstream sports journalism to spell Jhon Kennedy Hurtado's name right. Whether they win, or lose, or lose and lose and lose, isn't so much the question as: "How will they be able to throw the controller across the room after they lose, given the sheer size of Qwest?"

Prediction: Dead last in MLS is forever better than the Timbers. Thank the stars for the Galaxy, though—it probably won't come to that.

The real reason everyone wants to see Barça Miami: Real Salt Lake. Certainly the team with the best scouting (they've known Colorado's had a team for years!), as well as the stadium atmosphere with the highest pH in the league. Despite finally qualifying for the playoffs in 2008, RSL still don't "get" what MLS is really about: making sure New York never, ever, ever wins a championship. Ever. Thank fuck for Columbus. Ever.

Prediction: The West is weak. Again. Expect RSL to make the playoffs for the second year in a row, but not to beat anyone in the East once they get there. Even New England. Even in the final.

The other western conference team who aren't really sure what country they're in, Preki's Chivas USA, may have finally put HealthCareUSA behind them and gotten treatment for all their chronically-injured players. Bornstein's presence briefly held the rapt attention of the Yanks Abroad crowd, until they realized it wasn't that Chivas he was playing for. On the positive side, Ante should be healthy for most if not all of this season—yeah, not that Ante—and Galindo's stomach is either good to go or confetti for good by now. But hey! Surgery in Cuba is free. With Guzan gone, defense is the main issue to address, but as long as they don't give up four goals each and every game, no one's gonna mistake 'em for Dallas, no matter what the shirts they're wearing look like.

Prediction: They'll make the playoffs, then have to pray to God they actually win a series. Seeing as God's been their head coach for the past two years, I have to believe that if that would work then it would've worked by now. Like Adin Brown after his latest concussion, it might be time to give up on God and go see a doctor.

The real San Jose, who wear blue (instead of its complimentary color, like the Bizarro San Jose) and black (I guess that's to represent "blackouts", like those that happen after an earthquake or the year 2005) are more interested in pretending to be a now-defunct team in the now-defunct NASL than in pretending to be the object of Franco's fascist footy fetish (either of which being better than what Seattle is pretending to be). At least they have John DeLancie as their mascot; now if only he'd spend less time helping them learn profound truths about the fundamental human condition and more time helping them win games. No, really, now that Cepero's demonstrated that a goalkeeper can score in MLS, Joe Cannon will singlehandedly win every game he plays en route to MLS Cup 2009, which he will also win singlehandedly (the first time a player will have won MLS Cup singlehandedly in, oh, five years) en route to winning the 2010 World Cup and the 2012 Euro Cup as well as the next AFC Asia Cup, whenever that is, and the... yeah, I don't know what team he thinks he's gonna be playing for, either. You wanna argue with Joe Cannon?

Prediction: Will beat LA. A lot. We will all, all of us, laugh. Oh, they'll also win the West, the Supporter's Shield, and MLS Cu– yeah, like that. That's how we'll laugh.

FC Dallas, whose defense makes an Iraqi police academy look unassailable, is set to provide high-scoring entertainment all season long for loyal fans of every team but, well, FC Dallas. Fans too old to be placated with pizza can placate themselves with Jamaican beer, while those us of blessed enough to not be Dallas fans can make fun of players like George John, a guy named after the dead half of the Beatles, or Dax McCarty, aka "the Red Felcher," who's got the name and the freckles of a Trill, and (if he drank any of the water down in Brazil) a parasite of roughly the same size and shape inside him. Pizza and Red Stripe notwithstanding, if people in Victorian England were willing to pay to see Joseph Merrick in person, then HSG stands to make a "pretty" (I use the word loosely) penny parading FrankenCooper out and around in North Texas—at least until someone mistakes him for Al Franken, and shoots him in the face. Yes, none of that has anything to do with soccer. Given Dallas's prospects, consider said omission an act of mercy.

Prediction: The Dynamo'll play matador to el toros yet again, winning that cannon-thingy that constitutes Dallas's best shot at hardware this season. Or any season. DFW-area children will get fat(....ter), but spill enough pomodoro on their shirts in the course of doing so to look like they're wearing reps.

Last but not... well, last at least, is the LA Galaxy. I'm pretty sure they named themselves after the Galacticos, which means they didn't show the presence of mind RSL showed when theyremembered to name themselves after a championship-winning team instead of restricting themselves to said team's star power. Star power has a way of going E! True Hollywood on even the best of teams, and last time LA was the best of teams they fired Sigi Schmid for not being "pretty" enough "on the field"—so yeah, a long time ago. They eventually signed David Beckham to pretty the place up (Just look at the stands: Tom Cruise or Drew Carey? Ladies: who would you rather have show you the way to happiness?). But banking on people with terrible haircuts and ridiculous crossover ambitions (only thing more shudder-inspiring then the Goal! movies is former LA GM Alexi Lalas's band; well, that and the time he called "the Spaniards" "the Spains" while calling an Olympic semifinal in 2000) wound up, predictably, landing LA in dead last in 2008.

Prediction: Dead is dead; corpses don't move. They do, however, on occasion, get looted by Italians.