MLS rewarded its loyal fans on Wednesday for 13 years of contributing to impressive attendance figures, even in stadia that were obviously completely empty, by awarding its latest expansion franchise to 溫華 (ake Wēngēhuá, aka Wan1 Go1 Waa4, aka Van-cou-ver), a city whose only redeeming value (besides the oft-made protest that Starbucks and Microsoft weren't their fault) is its weed.

"MLS doesn't have the fast pace of the English Premier League, or Spain's La Liga, or the Serie A, or—if you're watching a game in Houston in July or in Dallas in, well, year round—of shuffleboard," said current Vancouver Whitecaps Chairman Bob Lenarduzzi. "But if you're nice and toked, who cares?"

"It's true," said Portland Timbers fan Ryan MacDuff. "We go up there for Timbers games, sometimes, and get so baked we're all like 'Whoa! What country are we in?' and 'Really? That's a country?' It's sweet."

The team, still two years away from its first match, is already showing impressive support, with a reported 3.281 X 10²¹ season ticket deposits sold and the foundation of an official supporters' group, the BCMP. 

Concessions sales, obviously, are predicted to be record-setting, but that's not all, says Lenarduzzi.

"We also expect strong revenues from the Head Sh- I mean, Team Shop," Lenarduzzi added. "Fans can buy Vancouver Maybe-Whitecaps-but-still-technically-TBA jerseys, shorts, scarves and bongs. I mean balls. No, not hash resin balls. No, I didn't just wink when I said that."

The ownership group consists of Greg Kerfoot, Steve Luczo, Jeff Mallett, and Steve Nash. Nash, who plays a sport your roommates have heard of, joins Oscar De La Hoya and Drew Carey as a celebrity none of us really gave a shit about until they bought into MLS teams.

When reached for comment Nash, unlike (regrettably) St. Louis goalkeeper Hope Solo, had his junk out. NBA players do that. Anyway, FOUL asked him, even though he was naked, for his thoughts on how Vancouver would stack up against cross-Canadian rivals TFC.

"Unlike BMO Field, BC Place has real grass," Nash said. "Smoke enough of it, and you almost don't notice the FieldTurf."

Also, he added, their attendance would be higher.

MLS is expected to anounce on Friday whether they intend to reward fans with strippers, by awarding an expansion franchise to Montréal, or hookers, by awarding an expansion franchise to Las Vegas. Other possibilities are that MLS will decide to punish its fans, by giving Ottawa a new team, or to punish the MLS fans Hope Solo has filed restraining orders against, by putting a team in St. Louis.