 |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
| Christianity Teaches You That Jesus Raised the Dead, but Voodoo Teaches You How to Do It Yourself |
|
|
By 季书恒
Just days after Radio Shack withdrew its support for the Mexican FA's bid to coax El Tri fans away from self-flagellating, toddler-fondling Catholicism and towards chicken-murdering, undead-reanimating voodoo, US Soccer has responded by partnering with Mattel to distribute free Barbie dolls in the likeness of Mexican national team players. "We call it mullet-and-mustache-barbie-with-brittle-glass-legs," Mattel said in a press release issued earlier today. "It's bound to be a huge hit not only with US Soccer fans, but also with the rapidly growing tween lesbian sufferers of pycnodysostosis demographic. Yes, the Dema Kovalenko-branded geologist's hammer is sold separately."
"I mean, really," said perennial national team star Landon Donovan, "if the Haitians can't get voodoo to work for them well enough to even make it to the hex--to say nothing of getting off that godforsaken island of theirs--then why do the Mexicans think it's gonna work for them? And, you know, these guys are Catholics. The Pope's gonna dump their ass outta the Catholic Church like we dumped their asses out of Jeonju Stadium. No, translate that, translate that; how do you say 'excommunication' in Spanish?"
Several members of Sam's Army--the US National Team's traveling supporters' group--have taken to something less profane but even more controversial: goldfish races. "I got the idea watching the video for Faith No More's 'Epic'," said a member of Sam's Army who will remain anonymous as I'm currently too lazy to make up a fictional name for a fictional person I never actually talked to. "I was watching the goldfish at the end, and I was like 'Whoa! that lil' dude flops around even more than Blanco!' So that's what gave me the idea to paint goldfish green, name them after Mexican players, and make them race across a table top towards the safety of a fishbowl full of water shaped like the FIFA World Cup Trophy.
|
"Yeah, none of them have actually made it to the bowl yet," he added. "They all seem to die. The closest they've ever gotten--and this was only twice--was about 1/4 of the way there. And that was the two times we tried it drunk in Tijuana, so we're not too confident that what we remember having happened was what actually happened."
When asked about PETA and other animal rights groups' potential response to the willful murder of goldfish simply for the questionable motive of mocking Mexican nationalism, he had this to say:
"What, like with the kangaroo skin? I remember that. Hell, we all remember that. It's not like human beings have 30 second memories. The way I see it is, if there's anything that's going to upset a fat drunk guy with a low IQ and elevated levels of adrenaline and testosterone, it's a naked hippy chick running across a soccer field. Really. That'll make us stop, you know, killing stuff for no good reason. Yup."
Mexican Cardinal Norberto Rivera Carrera called on Mexicans to "stop practicing voodoo and witchcraft, [to] stop worshiping false idols" (maybe he said "pop idols" here; my Spanish barely got me through the elective class I took in 7th grade), and "to stop sacrificing babies to Ba'al Hammon," either by burning them or by offering them to Ba'al's "Dagon" incarnation by drowning them in the Rio Grande, concluding with the slogan: "Let's take the 'El' out of 'El Tri'."
The only bokor I know, who is also a completely imaginary person I just made up, informs me that: "there's no point in trying to resurrect the Mexican National Team at this point; they're already playing like zombies, which is really the best you could ever hope to get from those rubber-kneed pansy losers."
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Major League Soccer Parody? Expansion parody? Loudmouthed or laughable players? Celebrity MLS fans to mock? Largescale fan attacks? Pictures of players caught smoking, drinking, partying, or with their gonads caught in vacuum cleaners? Totally making shit up? We are a discriminating repository of any and all MLS-related parody.
Send hilarious satire to us at FOUL[at]FOUL-USA.com |
All rights reserved . FOUL-USA . 2009 | |
|
|
|
 |
|
