(APRIL 30, 2009/NEW YORK) FOUL fully expects Jair Marrufo to be working Tijuana animal sex shows by this time next year. Most likely inserting his head into anEquus africanus, then pulling it out and shouting "There! There! Are you happynow!?!"

Suffice it to say, it sucks to see a guy so down on his luck, even if it's only in one's mind's eye, so here's some suggestions of things to toss the tosser to keep him off the burro bukake circuit, or at least keep him happy while he's there.

Toss 'em hard. At his head.

1. A sweaty game-worn Blanco Fire jersey bought!
2. A sweaty game-worn Blanco Fire cup
3. Anyone's used shirts or athletic supporters, as even the thrift shop is often beyond an MLS referee's means
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (could be some confusion here with item #2)
5. A new Chicago Fire jersey, preferably personalised withJair / #12
6. A heart-shaped locket with a photo of Antonio Marrufo bought!, Jair's greasy-palmed father, making a mockery of the sport in KC's 4-2 loss to Santos Laguna in what was supposed to be an international tournament with third-party referees, on one side, and—who do we give the love to here? DC? Columbus?—Jair himself making a mockery of the sport, well, whenever. It's always good to keep your family close to your heart, but it's even better to have something close at hand to wave in the faces of the thousands of people calling you a bastard week-in week-out.
7. Batteries. Refs need their energy, and this ref's a dildo.
8. Dog food. Lots of it. This is for Marrufo what gasoline is for the sighted.