The US goes into San Salvador tomorrow with two goals: to take 3 points from a difficult road qualifier, and to overthrow El Salvador's democratically-elected President-elect Mauricio Funes. 

"The US has not missed a World Cup in over 20 years. We're confident we can clinch a spot with a few games left to play, so we can give some of the younger players, players on the bubble, a good look before heading to South Africa," said US coach Bob Bradley. "And no, I'm not ready to comment as to which goalkeeper will make this Saturday's squad. Guzan and Hahnemann are both solid options." 

"In addition, our puppet-regime ARENA has not been out of power for almost 20 years. We're confident we can depose Funes in a very short time-frame, and identify and install a loyal-to-us-but-ruthless-to-them puppet in his place," said Assistant Coach Mike Sorber, . "And no, we haven't decided which taxpayer-funded organization will provide financial and logistical support for local death squads. State and Defense are both solid options." 

Fears that Funes, a former *shudder* left-wing journalist with ties to known terrorist organizations, like the FMLN and CNN, might fall under the "Venezuela Umbrella" and engage in such terrorist activities as land reform, socialized healthcare and water sanitation, have led to calls to politically and economically ostracize the Latin American nation, as was done with Palestine in 2006. 

San Salvador, with infrastructure only marginally better than that of Palestine's ("building ventilation" means something quite different over there), will offer a now-familiar set of challenges to US players. 

"Having to use a 'night soil receptacle wouldn't be so bad,' said national team veteran Brian Ching. "It's when they bring it to the game and try to empty it over your head that you've got a real problem. And the singing. The goddamn singing." 

"On the one hand, playing a qualifier on the road in Central America is never easy," said defender Dan Califf. "On the other hand, we should be able to get away taking any and all free kicks they get awarded. Hey, we're the new Mexico, right?" 

No one knows for certain why the US feels compelled to install and support regimes of terror in Latin America. While the Monroe Doctrine has been in effect since 1823, interventions have intensified in both frequency are brutality since the Eisenhower Administration, sparking a wide assortment of speculation as to motive, including the theories that:

• Katie Johnson is secretly married to Coca-Cola's PR Director, and influences US policy to condone extrajudicial assassinations of labor organizers at the Atlanta-based beverage manufacturer's bottling plants in Colombia. Why? Because she has Anne Whitman's brain in a jar, and lost a bet to it.
  
• Dick Cheney is a sinister, manipulative humanoid reptile from another planet, merely disguised as a sinister, manipulative humanoid reptile from Earth.
  
• Control of the lucrative banana industry is crucial to the well being of the commodities markets.  Bananas don't just grow on trees, you know.  

USA Notes: The US kicks off the Confederations Cup with a match against World Cup winners Italy in Pretoria on June 15. Mauricio Funes will assume office on June 1, if we fail to act.