F: "While we're on the topic: a word of advice when dealing with masseuses in Miami."

KZ: "Which is?"

F: "Avoid the word 'blow'. It can be ambiguous."

KZ: "Umm... okay. If I make it down there. Do you, um, have any soccer questions to ask me?"

F: "Um, yeah. Yeah. Soccer. Let's see. Okay, here's one: how's it feel to be watching games from the sidelines? I was gonna ask Jozy Altidore, but his people said he was kinda too busy to talk to me, so..."

KZ: "Actually, no, that's not a bad question. To tell you the truth, I feel really old watching these guys play. Really old. I mean, I played for the Wizards back when they actually won something. Like championships. The MLS Cup in 2000, the, the other one, the one nobody cares about, in 2004. Hell, I was playing back when people still called Preki 'really, really fucking old' instead of 'ageless.' That long ago."

F: "Would you say winning the MLS Cup in 2000 was the highlight of your career?"

KZ: "It's great whenever you win a championship. I don't care if it's MLS Cup or the bingo tournaments people down here keep trying to rope me into—winning it all is fucking great. MLS Cup, you know, the Wizards in 2000, or the Galaxy in 2002, or Michael Kennedy in 2004, those are all things we did, just us, and that'll always be a point of pride."

F: "So what you're saying is that, unlike Colorado, you've won something, so you can rest easy?"

KZ: "No, no. I mean, on top of that, you know, it was also nice because, in a way, it almost made up for my time playing with the Metrostars."

F: "You mean because the Metros' '99 season was—and still is—the worst in league history?"

KZ: "No, I mean because they were the Metrostars."

F: "Oh. Yeah, I can see how that makes more sense."

KZ: "I was spared the ignominy of playing for that particular Metros squad by suffering the ignominy of playing in the A-League."

F: "Hey, the A-League's good! Sometimes even better than MLS."

KZ: "Only in Canada and other foreign countries."

F: "Canada's a country? I thought they were part of Britain."

KZ: "Uh... no. Any more soccer questions?"

F: "Ok. Yeah. Who do you think KC's big rivals are? Or, more temporally, who're you guys gonna be gunning for this season?"

KZ: "Well, obviously Columbus. They're the champs, and also they're a bunch of sissy girly-boy baton-twirling flash-in-the-pan nobodies. And they knocked us out of the playoffs. Also Houston. They, too, knocked us out of the playoffs, plus if we win the season series against them, then [assistant Dynamo coach] John Spencer has to give me a pen that writes upside down. Like the astronauts use!"