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(Milan) Noted fascist and shameless grafter Silvio Berlusconi's AC Milan have set their sights on David Beckham.
"David is exactly what this club needs right now," said Berlusconi, the world's 9th richest man. "A pin-point crosser of the ball and a stylish huckster of shirts to the Far East. Plus, since he's already played for Real Madrid and Philip Anschutz's Los Angeles Galaxy, we know he'll show no moral hesitation playing for a far-right nationalist crackpot. Heck, if we don't sign him, Lazio probably will."
"We need him. He needs us. We're prepared to offer $3 Million Dollars."
But Beckham isn't Milan's only target.
Milan is also planning on other splashy offers. "We want [FIFA World Player Of The Year] Christiano Ronaldo, and we're willing to pay Manchester a staggering $4 Million Dollars for his services."
Also on Milan's shopping list:
- Lionel Messi (Barcelona), $2 Million Dollars
- Kaka (AC Milan), $3 Million Dollars
- Motivational speaker Karl Rove (currently without team), $49.99 plus tips
- The entire cast of Friends (including Tom Selleck as "Richard") to entertain the team at halftime, $1 Million Dollars
- Offseason Lunar Training Facility, $5 Million Dollars (Hoped to open 2010)
- Matteo Trefoloni (Referee), $20 Million Dollars
- Don Matteo Messina Denaro (unknown), $100 Million Dollars
- A pony, cost immaterial
Berlusconi also added, "AC Milan will capture the Scudetto this year."
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