Sigi, please come coach the Sounders!

We'll pay you your weight in double quarter pounders

and if the club flounders

just take a cue from our founders

and declare dead last the standard.

Sigi, we'll do whatever it takes

buy you a hundred billion ice cream cakes

a million million chocolate shakes

forgive you when you lose to the Quakes

even declare Drew Carey's BMI the standard.

Sigi, you're the king of MLS

though you might need a crane to help you undress

and Ceres might mass a lil' bit less;

we're willing to line up a million babes to profess

that they declare chunky monkeys the standard.

Sigi, you could lose every game

and Freddy Loincloth can limp off lame.

Hell, the Crew was just the same

before HSG announced your name

and now they're champs

and all of Columbus is giving themselves cramps

practicing autofellatio in their special Crewfan camps

till their yellow shirts look tie-dyed under UV lamps

and if there's one thing Seattle fans need

besides a prayer in hell or more Canadian weed

or some hippie "cause" like seeing Mumia freed

one thing to make sure they bleed the colors, that their colors don't bleed

it's an excuse to declare sucking their own dicks the standard.