(Geneva) Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland claim to have found Red Bull New York's trophy cabinet, exploding the myth that the colossal ¤6.4 billion Euro project is a massive waste of resources. Physicist Jean-Marc Saint Just says, "We were just colliding opposing protons at an energy of 7 TeV/particle and lead nuclei at 574 TeV/particle and we saw a flash. We all just stared at each other in disbelief, then it was gone. My partner Vincenz [Judensteiger], said that he thought it might be the 2008 Western Conference Trophy."
After some debate, some physicists believing that the superconducting dipole magnets were running at 8.8 teslas and therefore creating a flawed methodology, and a full recalibration of the linear particle accelerator, it was determined that there was no mistake. Calls were made to MLS Commisioner Don Garber and to Red Bull's offices in Austria and New Jersey.
Garber said, "It's a shocking development. For years, we felt that having a successful team in New York was critical. But we gave up on that idea around 1999."
Representatives at Red Bull in Vienna said that they were unfamiliar with any soccer teams in North America but wouldn't rule out their existence since the Branding and Marketing budget was handled separately in the North American Division. "Congratulations, I suppose. Drink Red Bull!"
In a related experiment, astrophysicists at CERN say the galaxy is almost certainly imploding. Don Garber reacted, "Duh."
