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FC DALLAS POSSESSED BY GASEOUS ENTITY FROM STAR TREK
By Guppy |
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The Beast(s)
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FC Dallas has always had attendance worse than the Bea Arthur booth at a NAMBLA convention. Their accomplishments over their whole existence, one US Open Cup 200 years ago, are about as awe-inspiring as a particularly underwhelming doorknob.
Lately it's gotten rather worse. During games, FC Dallas players will suddenly run in the opposite direction of the ball, wild-eyed, as if being chased by an evil spirit. Some rotate their heads 360 degrees. Others eject pea soup from their mouths. Still others talk backwards. The few fans at the games behave strangely, as well, huddling together against the gates as if from fear the gates won't open to let them out.
Is the team possessed by a gaseous creature from another planet that feeds off fear?
FOUL inputted all data about FC Dallas into our company laptop XL5000. At first XL5000 refused to accept the data, but when we threatened to play a video on it of John Carver discussing the 'vast' improvement of his team after tying FC Dallas, XL5000 relented.
Many fried circuits later XL5000 reported such an evil creature could exist. It would be incorpereal, existing on formless magnetic impulses. Though usually gaseous, it could possibly take solid form. Most probably it gains nourishment from the fear of it's victims.
XL5000 speculated that the creature may have existed elsewhere, possibly Southlake, Texas.
Is it hopeless?
XL5000 found on Wikipedia an old episode of Star Trek called 'Wolf in the Fold.' In this episode a gaseous entity that feeds on fear is beamed on board the Enterprise while inside a man named Hengist. Killing extras and pinning the murders on Scotty, the entity has quite a fun time of it. When it is finally discovered, the entity laughs hysterically and blinks red and blue, and well, not much else because of the show's low budget.
Sickened by William Shatner's over-acting, the entity enters the ship computer and tries to shut off life support. Quick-thinking Mr. Spock (pre-"In Search Of" Leaonard Nimoy) tells the computer to calculate PI to an infinite number of decimal places and cantankerous Bones tranquilizes the crew so that they have no fear. This confuses the entity. It thought Spock meant 'pie,' so it hops back into Hengist who just so happens is eating a large slice of Romulan apple pie at the ship's galley under the supervision of nurse Chapel. While the entity is calculating the dimensions of the 'pie,' Kirk orders Hengist, the pie, and the entity beamed into deep space.
FC Dallas doesn't have a transporter, but XL5000 notes that trading players to backwaters like Columbus or Kansas City is not all that different than transporting them to deep space. Obviously the entity spends a lot of its time in a player like Jeff Cunningham. And now that Cunningham's been relegated to the bench, even more so, because Cunningham is probably full of fear his career is over and he will have to get a desk job.
All that need be done is trade Cunningham when the entity is inside him--the other players tranquilized (they are nearly comatose anyway) and any computers around instructed to calculate PI--and the team is saved! XL5000 calculates chance of success .005%, plus or minus .001%, 9 times out of ten.
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