The circular firing squad also known as the MLS East is set to go.  As many as six East teams could make the playoffs, since the MLS West is a Bizarro Universe.  Here's how FOUL sees the 2009 season shaping up in the East:

Columbus: Sure, they may be the champs, but until they change their logo, we refuse to take the Crew seriously.  With Pole Robert Warzycha taking over from Sigi Schmid, there are real questions about their coaching and lightbulb-changing abilities.  Yet, with Guillermo Barros-Schelloto, the mulletted Argentine midget who falls every time a Japanese butterfly flutters its wings, there should be laughs aplenty in mid-central Ohio.  If they can get through the season without injury, the most likely cause of which is a stray banana peel thrown at an opposition player of color, then there's no reason to think that the bandwagon shouldn't continue for another year.  

Prediction: Unless Warzycha repeatedly drives the team bus to the wrong stadium, or the fans hang Emmanuel Ekpo from a tree, Columbus should Crewz. 

Chicago: If Chicago wants to build on their success from last season, quasi-human Cuahtemoc Blanco will have to spend more time on his feet and less time complaining like a woman in a 67-degree room.  If someone could steal Chris Rolfe's calendar and convince him that every game is a Thursday night ESPN classic, he'd be the second coming of Pele ... only shorter, whiter, and more prone to look like Sam The Eagle from The Muppet Show. 

Prediction: The team masseuse will refuse to go anywhere near Blanco's "neck".

Toronto:  Earth's most aggravating fans will surely be more subdued this year since they'll be occupied self-fellating themselves now that Toronto actually has some talent on the field.  Thankfully they still have noted Bill 0'Reilly impersonator John Carver as coach.

Prediction: Toronto will roll until World Cup Qualification dates start, at which point every single player on contract will be called away.  Doug Flutie and Ulysses "Crazy Legs" Curtis will sign 10-day deals, since they at least have some experience with the Toronto football club.

New York: As Western Conference Champions, Red Bull will represent the United States in the CONCACAF Champions League.  We know.  We're embarrassed too.  Thankfully, their defense would make a congressional paige blush, and they'll be eliminated by some team from Turks and Caicos.  But that's not enough to stop them from doing well in MLS.  Sadly.

Prediction: The USL-1 team opening shop across the Hudson in New York City will outdraw the Red Bulls at least twice this year.  And their first game isn't until 2010.

New England: FC Premature Ejaculation seems to have become FC Erectile Dysfunction.  The Foxborough boys underwent their now annual tradition of replacing a key player with a subatomic Higgs Boson particle.  There are also questions about who will get arrested for public urination now that Gary Flood is no longer with the team.  Our bet is on Larentowicz.  But with Taylor Twellman's immense skull at forward and Shalrie Joseph's equine teeth in midfield, New England can win on any given night.  Sadly, many of their fixtures are day games.

Prediction:  Paul Mariner will wear silly glasses.  Steve Nicol will shout obscenity-laced epithets at opposing players, coaches, and referees, but he won't be punished because nobody will have a clue what the hell he's screaming. 

Washington: Last season, the United's defense was reminiscent of Tippi Hedren in "The Birds".  Remarkably, their defense appears to have gotten worse.  Way worse.  Like Laci Peterson worse.  Or Los Angeles Galaxy worse.  If Christian Gomez can return to the form that made him a star around the same time as Walter Mondale, then the United will score 4 goals a game and set an MLS record for most 5-4 losses.

Davros was nearly able to conquer the entire universe, despite his inability to climb even the smallest flight of stairs.  Inspired, Ben Olsen is determined to be an influence for DC, even if he has to do it from a wheelchair like his idol from the planet Kaled. We'll believe he's ready for a role in midfield when he can catch that little shit Dawson.

Prediction: DC's defense will provide Gallagher-style comic relief for the rest of the league.  Tommy Soehn's sad, soulless, unblinking dumb gaze will continue through July, even though he'll be fired in April.