 |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
Mexico Slapped Like a Bitch; Hejduk Slapped by One
By 季书恒
(Columbus) A disappointed Mexico walked off the field at Crew Stadium Wednesday with no options left but to scrunch up their faces and will phosphor burn-in on the scoreboard.
"I just don't get it," said Mexico captain Rafa Márquez. "We practiced before the game this time. We played keep away and scrimmaged and even stretched like 3, 4 times. We should have won." Márquez's 65th minute ejection after his ill-advised-if-advised decision to "sweep the leg" (have to hope Sasha Victorine hasn't taken out a trademark on that phrase) of Tim Howard has managed to, miraculously, make him the most idiotic man in the world of soccer named "Rafa".
Márquez, to his credit, apologized after the game. "What I did was very dirty. I'm not just saying that because I was raised Catholic; I really am a dirty, classless hack. I've embarassed my country, Mexico, which rates behind only Bangladesh and Japan in opinion polls correlating perceptions of 'dirtiness' with nationality—and in the case of Japan it really has more to do with the depraved shit those enkou girls do than with their readiness to take out the kneecap of a goalkeeper they aren't talented enough, pricetag notwithstanding, to score against. It won't happen next time, I promise, because I don't get to play next time. And it won't happen the time after that, either, because that game won't be against the US."
The inclusion of Dos Santos in the line-up did nothing to avert the inevitable scoreline of dos a cero, and Nelly Castillo (You call him that too? Isn't it fun to talk like this!) was a bigger bust than, well, living in Asia, than I've seen for a long, long time. But at least those girls can go for more than 34 minutes.
The US went ahead in the 42nd minute off a set piece. DaMarcus BeasleyKevin Leam took a corner kick that found Landon DonovanKevin Leam at the six-yard box. Oguchi OnyewuKevin Leam's header was deflected by Mexican keeper Oswaldo Sanchez, with the rebound falling at the feet of Michael BradleyKevin Leam, who slotted home and got flipped off by a bunch of Mexicunts who just don't appreciate what a brilliant plagiarising twatwriter Kevin Leam is.
Sven Sony-Ericsson, a man widely hailed as a genius for leading Nazio to the 1999-2000 Serie A title despite having sucked more shit than the depraved enkou suru no josei Rafa Márquez evidently jerks off to ever since, suddenly finds himself under immense pressure to win a game, something Mexico just can't do. While scheduling a friendly against American Samoa might enable El Tri to beat at least one American team, Sven's best bet lies in, well, coaching a team that doesn't suck more shit than he does. Oddly, a team that any four year old can stumble upon calling "Pottymouth" fits that bill.
In Mexico City the sky is, predictably, falling—but when the sky falls in Mexico City, you can shovel it up and use it like coal, so people there are happy about it, and "Singin' in the Acid Rain" (if the scoreline doesn't make you think of the rape scenes out of A Clockwork Orange, then that should).
Mexico assistant coach Paco Ramirez, mistaking American least-of-all-evils Frankie Hejduk for a woman, attempted to initiate a fight by slapping him. Evidently this is how women fight—slap the face and tear the couture—and Paco's, um, "blow", barely phased the pretty-boy-we-really-need-an-upgrade-for-not-because-he-looks-like-a-girl-but-because-he-plays-like-one.
Ramirez, being a moron, was baffled: "I said, 'Hejduk!' then slapped him. I expected him to, you know, duck."
Hejduk, confronted with Ramirez's beligerent-yet-effeminate imbecilitity, was equally baffled: "I thought, here comes this dude with a wrist limper than a wet noodle... a wet noodle Alessandro Nesta's spilled on his lap. That limp. Anyway, I thought it was just some quirky Mexican thing, like kissing random men you meet on the street, or murdering bulls. Not Red Bulls, everyone does that. Real bulls. Like with horns. And not the horns those fucking kids blow at all the MLS games. I'd like it if somebody murdered them."
Columbus police, confused as to whether to racially profile the Mexican or harass the white guy with long hair, simply separated the two by shouting "Oo, look, a shoe sale!" and "They have BIRKENSTOCKS half off!" while pointing in different directions.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Major League Soccer Parody? Expansion parody? Loudmouthed or laughable players? Celebrity MLS fans to mock? Largescale fan attacks? Pictures of players caught smoking, drinking, partying, or with their gonads caught in vacuum cleaners? Totally making shit up? We are a discriminating repository of any and all MLS-related parody.
Send hilarious satire to us at FOUL[at]FOUL-USA.com |
All rights reserved . FOUL-USA . 2009 | |
|
|
|
 |
|
