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| Dejected Convey, Lost and Lonely, Joins Cult |
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By Frank N. Dactal |
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"I am so deeply lonely. Can I interest you in some topical lotion" |
(San Jose, CA) Bobby Convey was once the most promising young soccer player in the United States. Today, lost and lonely, he seeks only to "find, somehow, the courage to make life worthwhile." Times are so tough for the one-time starlet that he has given up on his dream of playing soccer in Europe and has joined a right-wing Californian cult.
"It's all my fault," said the sad young man before he was hustled away by handlers and forced to run laps around an enclosed grass field. Another handler was instructed to make sure that this reporter did not further interfere with the cult.
"This is private. Leave now"
Only a few years ago, Bobby Convey was a promising young soccer player with the world at his supremely-gifted feet. Then injuries started hitting. Poor choices and poor luck saw him lose confidence and form. Sitting on the bench for some crummy English pub-league team, (even he doesn't remember their name anymore and neither do we), Convey's mind started to wander. "It was wet. The food tasted like stale gruel. The girls were all pasty, pimpled and toothy. It was rough." His skills deteriorated along with his attitude. The club finally let him go for the price of a one-way out-of-town bus fare. |
"It was tough to watch" says former father-figure Kevin Payne of The Washington D.C. United, "We didn't know where he'd go, what he'd do, what he'd sell to his friends"
"But we never imagined it would end up like this."
When contacted for comment, Frank Yallop, a mid-level manager, or "upliner", at the cult responded, "You should check out these nutritional supplements and cosmetics deals. It's a money-making machine without parallel. I'll retire within 5 years. And so can you!"
When pressed on the subject of the case of the sad and lonely Convey, Yallop replied, "We are a team. We work, live and play together. We bunk together and we have these nifty blue uniforms. If you're interested I can make you a part of our team. We get everything we need, and we provide for our teammates. And we're getting rich together, as a team. Would you like to go bowling?"
"Maybe this is exactly what he needs," says Joe Cannon, another member of the cult, "It's a unique form of salvation. By following the System For Success, all the while funneling profit to the right-wing theocrats who run the cult, he can better himself, his family, and his superiors."
"Especially his superiors."
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