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STEEP DECLINE IN CREW'S MASSIVITY
By Guppy |
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When the Crew won the 2008 MLS Cup, much was made by the fans of their massivity.
According to sources, it started as a self-deprecating joke on a message board. However according to noted physicist Dr Mangle what it really represents is a collective guilt complex. "Crew fans suffer from paranoid delusions. They believe the league, Garber, the Ghost of Charles Darwin, and even their owners are against them and want them to fail. Of course, this is nonsense. Nobody cares enough about them to pay any attention to what happens to them. What really is at the heart of it is most Crew fans live in trailers and marry their sisters."
In an exclusive interview, FOUL spoke with Dr. Mangle.
FOUL: So what was their mass last year, really? And what is their mass now after going winless for 4 games?
Dr Mangle: When they were winning, their mass was not as great as one might expect. Consider the snowman. To build a snownman you must start with a snowball ... well, first it snows heavily, you grab some snow, and you make a snowball. Next, you place the snowball on the ground and you roll the snowball along to build a larger ball. Hopefully you don't roll it down a hill so steep that it rolls away from you and just keeps rolling and rolling, and growing and growing until it's the size of a house and rolls off a cliff and falls onto a house!
FOUL: I see.
Dr Mangle: Now suppose it warms up. The snowman melts. The carrot nose slips from the face, and the branches that represent the arms droop ... er, where was I?
FOUL: You were talking about the mass of the Crew during their winning season.
Dr Mangle: Ah, I would say, by the end of the season, it reached the mass of a house--no, I mean a snowman. Yes, a snowman.
FOUL: What about now, Professor? What about their mass now after 4 winless games?
Dr Mangle: We have seen a serious decline. It began before the season started, when their coach ran off. The mass of the Crew immediately dropped to the order of a tablespoon of water. But that was only the beginning. Three winless games later and they reached the mass of a water molecule. Now, after losing their fourth to Chivas, they reached the mass of a subatomic particle, namely the electron.'
FOUL: How low can they go?
Dr Mangle: Well, as you can see, every game that goes by without a win means a further drop in mass. The next game is very important, actually, because if they don't win that one, they will reach close to the mass of a neutrino ...
FOUL: Why is that so important, Doctor?
Dr Mangle: Neutrinos were first detected in 1956. For awhile, it was thought the neutrino had no mass at all! Recently it has been determined the neutrino may have a mass, but on the scale of 1 eV (10000 times less mass than an election). It is very hard to detect! If the Crew were to reach the mass of a neutrino--or even close to one--they would have to play in a big tank of water 3000 ft below the surface of the earth--as it is the only thing that can measure neutrino interaction.
FOUL: Thank you, Dr Mangle. Informative as always.
Dr Mangle: My pleasure. Are we done?
FOUL: Yes.
Dr Mangle: Is this the way out?
FOUL: No, not that door, *That* door.
Dr Mangle: Really? Are you sure? I thought I entered from ... well, never mind. Hey the door is stuck! Oh, that's not a door is it? Ok. Bye.
FOUL: Till next time, Doctor.
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