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Crew Games Cancelled for the Rest of 2009
By Guppy |
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(April 21, New York) MLS League officials have decided to cancel Columbus Crew games for the rest of the season. Their next MLS game will be March 21st, 2010.
'Unfortunately, the Columbus Crew, who are supposed to act like a reigning champion, and represent the league with class, have been poor,' explained Garber, sometimes lapsing into speaking of himself in the 3rd person. 'Their attendance is nothing to write home about either. They are embarrassing themselves, Garber and the league. If MLS and Garber let this go on much longer they could do irreparable damage to MLS and Garber.'
The Crew's record for 2009 will frozen at 5 games played, with no wins, two losses, and 3 draws.
'We don't want to continue to have a first-to-worst situation. They can apply next year for re-instatement.'
When asked about their chances for re-instatement, Garber didn't sound too optimistic. 'Sigh. Garber isn't sure. We will see when the time comes.' Then Garber suddenly brightened 'Hopefully they move to Montreal, then they will be re-instated immediately.'
Garber ended the interview with a heartrending appeal. 'Take the Crew, please.'
Meantime a number of Crew players have announced they will be leaving the team to pursue better career opportunities. Gino Padula will be 'headed' to TFC as he is already their leading goal scorer. Guillermo Schelotto will be returning to his midget wrestling career. Chad Marshall will be spending more quality time with his horse Frank. And Hejduk is to host his own reality adventure tv show 'Surfing in Ohio.'
All is not lost, however. What's left of the Crew can still play friendlies. To keep fit, the Crew will immediately embark on a tour of Poland. Their first game will be against The Warzycha Zwzksz (trans. Warzycha Lightbulbs), an amateur team composed of a roster exclusively of Warzychas. In the planning stages are games against Polish league doormats Zwkskxz Zskksikis (trans. Zwkskxz Popes) and Zwesiki Wxzwxx (trans. Zwesiki Potatoes).
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