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New CosmoGirl Survey Asks Tweens Which MLS Bench Warmer Has the Hottest Ass
By 季书恒 |
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Chris Pontius, Dreamboat
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(April 28, New York) In a PR bid guaranteed to distance MLS from
associations with sexual predation, 14 sexy young men who play in MLS, and Chance Myers, appeared in an online photo gallery at CosmoGirl.com, a magazine for 12 year old girls and the creepy overweight men with barrel drums full of lye in their basements who stalk them.
"If the Spice Girls can sell out Madison Square Garden in 12 minutes solely by selling tickets to 12 year old girls and the creepy overweight men with barrel drums full of lye in their basements who stalk them, then there's hope for Red Bull New York yet," said CosmoGirl's Ed Ralph. "This is a generation of girls too young to remember Brandi Chastain taking her top off for the creepy overweight men with barrel drums full of stop bath in their basements, and a generation of, you know, perverts who don't realize that these girls are too young to remember that."
"Also, there's security at these games. Lots of security. And they'll throw anyone out for anything, so your kids are safe. Bored, but safe. Just don't bring flares to the game, or flip off the ref. Or cheer when there's no possibility of a goal being scored resulting in free pizza."
Girls who visit the CosmoGirl site can enter a sweepstakes for a chance to win one of 14 girl-sized MLS jerseys signed by featured players, or a signed game-worn Will Johnson jersey, which is about the same size.
"I hope I get Sacha Kljestan's," said 11-year old Chelsea Niebelungenlied. "He's dreamy."
"I like Logan Pause. He gives me hot flashes. I think I'll call him Logan MenoPause," said 4th grader Parker Shuu-Ping, who obviously obscenely overshot her attempt at convincing random strangers on the internet that she's significantly older than she really is. "Also, the Fire are a great team LOL. They are, like, sogonna win MLS Cup this year. LOL."
"I want Cepero's," said Columbus middle school student Hudson Ramirez. "To remind the kids at school that 0-2-4 isn't the most undignified indignity the Crew have suffered in recent memory."
"I want the grand prize, the team-autographed Galaxy ball," said Greenwich Brwzinski, 13. "That you can't wear, unlike a Galaxy jersey, which you can wear, just not in public. Also, if I have that, I'll know the names of each and every one of the Galaxy players, which is something even David Beckham doesn't know!"
"The feature is called EyeCandy, and the banner headline is positioned next to a large picture of David Beckham," a CosmoGirl spokeschick told FOUL. "We're already doing a better job of mocking your silly little soccer league than you could ever hope to."
"And besides, the 'lye-filled' barrel drums in the creepy overweight men's basements are full of Rocky Horror memorabilia and costumes, not lye. Though the costumes could be prototypes for next season's WPS uniforms. Athletica was discussing rebranding to 'St. Louis Sailor Moon CosPlay FC', weren't they?"
Mrrow!
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