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19 June 2010
Germany fell 1-0 to Serbia yesterday, despite Nemanja Vidic doing exactly what Zdravko Kuzmanovic did against Ghana—swatting the ball with his hand for no reason—leading coach Joachim Löw to throw a water bottle, smash a guitar, and claim repeatedly that the referee should have his eyeballs removed with a melon baller, a threat apparently made good upon Malian referee Koman Coulibaly sometime shortly thereafter.
"We lost to Serbia," Löw said to assistant Hans-Dieter Flick (yes, his real name). "We look ridiculous," he said to Hans-Dieter Flick, who was wearing exactly the same outfit. The German press is, predictably, calling for Löw and Flick to "go back to lecturing in 17th Century Art History at Saarland" or, you know, buy a suit.
Milan Jovanovic scored (and you Italians thought Milan would never score) the game winner in the 38th minute. Polish-born Miroslov Klose (and you Americans thought Rossi playing for Italy was bad) having been sent off in the 37th minute for a second bookable offense left the Germans with 10 men, which is always a disadvantage to teams trying to score, even on penalties. How? Lukas Podolski.
"Lukas Podolski is terrible," said Uter Schiss, a lifelong Germany fan. "Lukas Podolski couldn't score if Jeffrey Jones snuck him into a Boy Scout camp-out in Marrakech—which is more or less what Beckenbauer's promised Podolski he'd arrange if Germany wins the World Cup—or in—what do you Americans call it?—a whenyourgirlfriendwonttrydeltshaus. Of course they're women. Would you care to eat my Mozart Balls or Chocolate Starfish?"
"The first sign things were bad," said soccer pundit Les Moore, "was Philipp Lahm wearing the captain's armband. *shudder* Every time I see Philipp Lahm I picture Dennis the Menace having sex with Martin Brisby, not so much because he looks like a cross between a
morbidly obese cartoon dwarf and an anthropomorphic mouse, as because I'm less likely to throw up if I picture a morbidly obese cartoon dwarf having sex with an anthropomorphic mouse than if I look at Philipp Lahm."
Hans Spleenig, a German fan of any sport with balls, remained undauntedly optimistic. "Germany will win it all! We will wear the chaps!" he told FOUL. "Um, yes, the 'champs', I meant, and yes, 'be', I meant. You are correct. 'Be the champs', I meant. The one with Mickey Maus and Dopey? By reputation only, alas."
In other news, my American friend tells me Celtic just lost the final. Hmm. I thought the Scottish football season was over.
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